You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Beware…..
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
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i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Tuesday
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”