Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer