Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea: