You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,