You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
You Might Also Like
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]