Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.