You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother