Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”