You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

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Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.


Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]


In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.


Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.


Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.



cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain

candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit