@13spencer Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
@dhumann You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You Might Also Like
@13spencer 
@ClichedOut *delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
@CornOnTheGoblin Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
@leakypod [first day as a lawyer]
me: guiltypeoplesaywhat
defendant:
me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor
judge: ….what
me: [eyes narrow]
@ashmensch Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?
@nigelgodwin I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
@Mr_Dizzystick I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
@JeffisTallguy Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
@Dalm_Lipbalm Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
@iwearaonesie me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*