You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

You Might Also Like


Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.


*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.


Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove


[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat


me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]


Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?


I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!


Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*