@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

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@SamGrittner

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

@GrantTanaka

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

@GrillinChillin9

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

@millercycle

[raining]

cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain

candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit