Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain
candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit