@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

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@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@ClichedOut

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@leakypod

[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat

defendant:

me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]

@ashmensch

Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?

@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

@JeffisTallguy

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*