You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
lmao
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking