You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Lol.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy