The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You Might Also Like
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My life coach traded me.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee