No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
You Might Also Like
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”