You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.