You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Cat is stressing him out.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit