You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?