Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.