Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”