You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
WHY?!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.