You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago