You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free