You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish