You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
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[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Cats are still liquid.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.