You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
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Now colored!
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Time is precious, waste it wisely.