Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Extremely relatable.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Erm…

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”