You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.