You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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Poetry is my passion
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣