You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.