You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.