You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The legends speak of a third Duran…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.