You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.