You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
