You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT