You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
thoughts?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
