Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

your daddy is a what now?

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in