Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive