You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.