You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*