@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

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@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@SatansTongue

*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@GoldenSpirals

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

@TheReaIRobG

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

@iinkedZombie

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

@michaelianblack

The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.