@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

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@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

@RunOldMan

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business