I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business