You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

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One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long


any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow


I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.


Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.


Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “


Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.


I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.


The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.