You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Happens to everyone.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.