You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Just this preview of the story is enough
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Fries, not lies.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Canadian owl: Eh?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.