Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.