You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You Might Also Like
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.