you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!