Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

rip to my favourite tweet

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

👀

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

And that about sums it up.