Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…