Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.