You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.