You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars