Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

ㅤ

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…