Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.