you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
They’re not wrong
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
getting seasonal up in here
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.