@EliTerry

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

@salamingia

My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@Lottie_Poppie

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

@SirJeremyLondon

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

@CaucasianJames

starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts

@SaeedFaridzadeh

Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?

@notthattom

older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah

@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

@Cheeseboy22

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.