you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he鈥檚 gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i鈥檓 not trying to screenshot my alarm
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
馃槑 馃嵒
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My doctor says I only have one diabete.