Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.