You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.