You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Great game to play with friends
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
*jingles half the way*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
