You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.