Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.