@StarksWeek

You can tell Tim Horton’s is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.

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@Sassafrantz

Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.

@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@msgwenl

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@GoldenSpirals

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@LoveNLunchmeat

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

@SimplySnaccbar

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?