You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
the last thing a carrot sees
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…