You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

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I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”


Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware


During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.


I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.