I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.