You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Seems legit
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”