You can throw an axe in any bar if you don’t give a shit
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)