You can throw an axe in any bar if you don’t give a shit
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
waiting for halloween be like:
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’