You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
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me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter