You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
You Might Also Like
Happy thanksgiving!
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: