You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!