You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change