@HatfieldAnne

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

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@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@ComedicBust

[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…

@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.