You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
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Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Natural selection at its finest
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner