You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You Might Also Like
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
kitchen magnet
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.