You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE: