Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

A comic by Dan Piraro

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.