You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.